Its been like hell for me dealing with the shadow of the past. I wish i can put all of that behind me but i wish to hold on it too. The idea of to let it go sometimes rewarding. This week i rode a roller coaster of emotion. The angry, the fear, the enthusiasm, the hope, the loss, the gain. You name it. At the end of the day, all i can feel is glad.
The 8 years old memory falls upon me and my inner demon comes alive. Im afraid he's going to crush me this time. So i sat on the couch for about one hour. No sound was made. No movement occurred. Nothing. But the mind is running million miles per second. I just wanna be free.
I miss how the demon controlling me. The body, the mind, the soul. But he wont be allowed to show himself. A major catastrophe. Last time, the demon managed to put my face down and i listened to every command he made. In the end, hurt is the only thing i felt. But this time is different.
I almost became the victim again but i grew stronger. A bit. I summoned all my characters to calculate the future and i decided to walk away from the demon's orchestra. It was not an easy decision. How do i sleep with the unsatisfactory, a hungry soul? Its hard.
But then i was blessed with quality time with another demon that i have never seen his face before. I wasnt me when i met him. I was glowing. Illuminating. Radiating. He lead me far astray to what popular belief, but i felt like home. Maybe he will guide me. Maybe. But now he has left me behind with my very intimidating inner demon. I wish you are my inner demon.
I will find you someday.
I will.
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